Journal Entryz #02
Im just up Erykah Badu – Window seat on repeat all day. This is truly how I feel.
push play then read my shit as the song play.
I fucked up the otherday. and I mean truly fucked up. I felt it coming too. I was trying to ignore it because I dont know how to address it without sounding crazy ass fuck. so instead Ill just go ahead and act crazy. smh. I feel so fuckin selfish for jeopardizing the comfort of my girl and my baby. I feel like a liability to them as much as I am I asset. Im trying so hard to straighten myself completely out before my son can recognize or have to deal with any reprecussion from the obvious faults I have. Im reading, talking, and consulting of self helps in order to in keep a positive state of mind towards progress. but Im fighting so much anxiety inside myself. I just wanna fuck shit literally and figuretively. Im a very strong personality and I feel I repress alot of it in order to “Maintain”. I cant kill the wildboy in me. Its always there. and then the more i try to ignore it the more I hate myself and criticize myself for the “maintaining”im doing. I cant get it right. I keep fuckin up. and I hate it. I felt like my bike was an excellent outlet for me momentary. but “Wild” is not a contained such. Wild is OUTSIDE and BEYOND boundarie. so the I cant believe How far I took it with the bike the other day. but on the other hand I can. It wasnt outside of me. It was truly what I’ve been repressing inside of me. and I fucked up and jeopardized all the shit I been “maintaining” for the last year. My bike is gone. My freedom is jeopardize me and my girl spot is jeopardized, my son’s comfort and consistancy is jeopardized because of my inconsistancy. I fuckin hate it.
I feel I lacked discipline of a structured home. and I raised myself with only failures as lessons of discipline. so I truly dont understand how far “Out-of-bounds” I am until Ive crashed or fell on my ass. Hard head make a soft ass I guess… Im fuckin a Helmet head. I honestly dont fear any reprecussion or consequence so that is not a deference for me. The only thing that is keeping my contained inside of myself is my son. Im trying so hard to be here and keep a consitancy for my son. but its soooo unnatural for me. I truly cant sit still sometimes. If u dont know me by know. This is what I live and Die by. I do what I want when I want and How I wanna do it. The shit makes me and the shit breaks me. and it really broke my ass this week. Im broken. Im broken. I dont know if I can fix myself to many more times.
I drive hard and I crash hard. I just grew up used to crashing. smh. Im just now figuring out thats how I used to gauge myself is how fast or hard I can crash and still pick myself. well I think im crossing the lined and I dont need to prove that shit to myself anymore I would like to excercise my strength in prevention.
Under GOD this be my last Crash as a WILDBOY. mistakes are given but WIld ass breakouts gotta stop.
“Baby-On-Board” as I said I dont really even give of fuck of any reprecussion for myself. which is alot of fault for my shorts. but Im starting to get better of recognizing the reprecussions of my selfishness and wild recklessness and carelessness for my family. and that shit I truly do care about. And Im so sorry for what Ive done Past present to jeopardize there comfort and well being. My loose reverence for things may be my own but its consequence is truly not and take hard ass fall to make me reconsider my arrogance, but all I been thinking about yesterday and today is the reevaluation of myself.
and I dont have any choose but to pick up the pieces and keep growing and learning myself. I Love the person I am but Im a fuckin mess. and I aint evne dont even like to clean up smh. but I believe its absolutely necessary and I pray to my God YahWah aloud and beg his favor and support because Im truly too much a mess to clean without a devine organization.
So this sunday Ima take my ass to a Study and take my family on a lil train ride and think about a organization plan for my “Wild-Boy Rehabilitation” effort. So can I get a “window seat”