i aint shit

I Aint shit. and I mean it. I say it alot, because I see it. I disappoint myself sometimes with how disappointing I am. I really dont have any realistic grasp on what is acceptable. I cant fuckin figure out what the fuck compliance is. I really feel like I was dealt a fucked up hand to start, then at my play I fuck it up completely. I pride myself on be a strength through adversity but I truly realize that Im my only fuckin adversity. The only thing I struggle with is Mark. I do so much backwards shit. The shit is truly beggining to become ridiculous to myself. But In conscious of that…. I do the same shit next week. I dont know any other way than my way.  I feel like anything I aint fucked up, Im fuckin up. And anything I aint fuckin up, Ima fuck it up. smh.   Im scared for my son and my girl. The deserve better than I know. I dont know how to function within myself. I cant figure me out for positive. I have alot of raw initiative, ambition and aspiration, but in the pursuit of it Ill put anything I have at risk. I dont give a fuck about anything and the shit shows on my outlook. I see the reprecussion of it daily, weekly, monthly and throughout my life on hindsight. The worst part is I still dont give a fuck. I feel like I cant worry about some shit I cant fix. I got some broke ass, fucked up ways I stuck with. Im in to making changes but shit seem as the more I change the more I stay the same. Im just me. I try different shit but It all sum up to different shit I fucked up.

Some dayz I figure Ive figured what my life is about and that be the day before I remember I aint about shit. I contradict myself in every action. I swear to god ive fucked shit up just sitting still and not saying a word. I pray god leading me towards something ultimately because I aint shit where Im at and If he leading me somewhere I aint nowhere close cause I do some fucked up, ignorant ass, negligent ass shit. for real.

Im inconsistent,  indecisive, disrespectful and disregarding towards exhibition of sustenance. All this shit ails me, my progression and everything I touch but non as much as Non Compliance.   Non Compliance is my fuckin specialty, and I dont even know how to correct that outside of a facility.  I hat e to be inbounds and in accordance with procedures. I like me and thats not me. Me at my worst is just me but Me at my best is embracing all the bullshit I do. Im either the ass or the asshole. I feel I reflect as a inadequate person either way though.  Im like a smart ass dumb nigga. I dont know how the world works and I aint learning. Im just learning new ways it doesnt. Im just learning new ways to fuck up. and I hate how acceptable that shit is to me. on some “whatever is whatever” type shit.

I know people make mistakes but in such an abundance as much at some point you have to consider yourself mistaken. At some point you have to consider yourself as mistook. I dont know what the fuck im doing sometimes. Just going fast to crash, I guess.  I feel a lot of the root in my lack of reverence. I lack reverence for rules, law, boundaries, and even life.  Especially my own.

In Menace to Society Kain’s grandpop asked him if he cared if he lived or died? I ask myself that shit everyday! I think every young Black Man should ask himself that. The only person to ask me that question is myself.  And in a truly honest response, I really would have to so NO I dont. The only reason Im hesitant to die is because  I fucked up my insurance policy. smh. If I died I wouldnt even do that shit right. smh. I just feel like  I really need to get my fuckin self together, Im one of the most shattered mfkkaz I’ve ever meet. I dont even have the motivation to pick up all my broke ass piece anymore. Im getting old and tired Im lowkey ready die if shit dont start progressing for me. I cant go on living in the manner in which I do. for real.  Shit been fun but shit been terrible. I need to grow the fuck up!         – just another lil bottom pull in the balance (or imbalance) of  my polarity thanks for listening. Gritz


About The Gritz

Ideally I aspire to be a Tyranny of Business and perspective. I cant tell you descriptively how I feel... so I'll tell you the depths of my thought. thanks for reading. https://thegritz.wordpress.com

Posted on 07/10/2012, in journalz and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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