Sorry cool momma
S/o to my momma…
I was soully truthfully but I really went hard on my mother in an acknowledgement to her in my book, The ABCs of a Black Man’s Principles.
It had nothing to do with the book or even I how feel about my mother now. It’s just something I wrote and ended up published. I have a hard time explaining and justifying the presence of such harsh address in the book at all.
I contemplated, considered, and sought perspective on whether I should take the two paragraphs out all together.
I felt bad of it sometimes and proud of it at others.
It was however my truth at some point and my commitment to the purity and honesty in my writing wont allow me to retract redact or shrink back from any of it’s consequence.
Ive apologize to my mother privately for my tone in the book’s acknowledgement to her and I truly am.
I never wanted to hurt my mother and I never want to see her hurt.
As a child I was confused and hurt at my mothers intentions to deliberately abuse, hurt, neglect, and sabbotage me and the opportunities I made for myself.
This was no intention to get even or anything malice at all.
As a young man I took into account that my mother was mentally I’ll and emotionally unstable.
What she taught me was to pray and read.
Through both I took responsible actions to provide compensatory direction away from the pressuring elements that I recognized to have been made her I’ll in the primary.
But in each and all of my initiative to provide for my mother and the progression of our immediate family she would deliberately manipulate a behavior to neutralize me and all of my effort.
At consistent points weekly from 13 to 26 I remember being suicidal in effects of my mother’s behavior upon my life, the dissolution of our family, and my inability to express myself convincingly to anyone without a shame.
The situations my mother deliberately confined me to absolutely emasculated and misrepresented the strength of heart and value I felt God to have privileged my life with purpose.
My mother denied me of everything I was and then denied her accountability to doing such.
All in all the shit hurt and took so much digging, searching, reflecting, grit, and resilience to over come and rehabilitate myself from so much hatred and resentment.
No one denies the effect a mother has on her child. But in my reality my mother denied the accountability for her effect on my life and no one cared enough for me to hold her to it.
I’ve apologized to my mother sincerely in private and I hope this serves as one publicly but I don’t apologize for addressing, non violently expressing and positively progressing through the truth of myself, my past, and my family.
And if anyone other than my mother finds offense or judgement in my efforts to that, then fuck them too.
I’m completely unapologetic for the progression I have made in my heart, soul, mind, spirit, and perspective and I’m completely unapologetic in the direction I struggled through to get here.
Anybody I’ve ever offended directly and unintentionally ive directly apologized to sincerely with my intentions.
I do consider myself a sharp man but I am very considerate of those immediate to my edges.
I apologize to my momma again. And I appreciate how well she took and, I believe, understood that. acknowledged as well as for forgiving me as I have forgiven her.
I don’t know a son as strong as I to take the malice of my mother and still love and grow from it. and I don’t know a mother that could take her sons literal “fuck u” and still promote him with pride. But that’s what I needed.
I appreciate my mother’s strength and forgiveness. I wish her peace, accountability, happiness, strength, and forgiveness.
I love you cool momma. I sorry and I forgive u. Ur ill was mine and I’d like to share with u my heal as yours forever on the way to paradise.
I pray that u accept my same provision and loving direction u declined in your ill and take your piece of my peace as ive always intend for u.
Your son, favored of the almighty Yahweh, the author and loving man
Mark Anthony Howard
Posted on 06/21/2014, in Letterz 2..., My PeepLe (my People), The ABC's of a Black Man's Principles and tagged acknowledgments, apologize, family, Marion Howard, The ABC's of a Black Man's Principles. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.