Category Archives: journalz

I’m Innocent

I lie, I cheat , I curse, Ive stole,  I’ve defrauded and manipulated, I fight, I do drugs, I ommit, I play dumb, I don’t keep my word, I lust, I’ve killed, I’ve blasphemed, I’ve gossiped,  Im lawless, I fornicate , Ive adultered and I’ve adulterd with close friends wives and girlfriends , I covet, I’ve spat on a graves, I’ve verbally and literally disrespected the dead including family. I’m disrespectful and I’ve teased fat women of their weight and manipulate their insecurities. Ive both physically and verbally abused women including my lovers, my auntie, and my own mother.  I’ve prostituted women, and I especially referred to my mother as a bitch with relative ease and comfort.

The irony is I consider myself a Godly young man and want to mentor youth.

I’ve never been able to say I am innocent and I never will. I’ve never justified any of my actions in any instant. I own my ignorance, I own my contradictions, I own my silly ass life, and I own my consequences to God.

I ain’t never been shit but ill never quit progressing towards my personal growth and positivity.

29

The deepest and scariest premonition I’ve ever had revolves around me and being 29. I’ve never been able to explain convincingly the significance of me turning 29 and what it has meant to me but since I was 9 I remember being fully aware that I would die at twenty 9. Shit is way to morbid a conversation to have with anybody so I’ve never been able to share the feelings I’ve always so strongly felt about 29.

Today is my birthday and the first day of such a revered number and age for myself.  I’m proud of the shit I’ve done and the person I’ve become. But I could have done so much better.

I wish myself a happy birthday as well as a peaceful and productive year.

I pray that such a crazy and disturbing premonition misses And my god Yahweh grant me an extension as well as ease the uneasiness I feel in regards to 29.

I don’t want to sound silly but this the most honest shit I’ve ever wrote.

So as 29 has arrived– I’m scared but I’m ready. I hope the shit has just been a silly over reaction. But such is to pass, I pray my god take my genuine heart as a significant dedication of loyal love and allegiance to the kingdom of his and his sons’.

To all of my friendship, please pray for me watch for me this year the shit is an extremely crucial and dangerous time that I’m stepping into.

My positive hope is the my premonition has simply been mistaken for a pivotal marker toward, or , the actualization of the complete spirit I’ve worked with God to develop.

I hope I don’t sound crazy, foolish, or ignorant but this may be is the truest I ever wrote of myself.

Reading His Writes

All of my writing is solely for myself.  I write primarily for the purpose of later reading my own writing and gauging where I am at from where I was. 

It is super fun and interesting to see how far I b am from some of the writings and how I am in the exact same position from others.

This entire blog is simply a documented growth chart of my own. I love to write and I love to go back years later and re read my own writing. 

I have truly gotten to know myself so thoroughly with the aid of this blog. I cannot imagine having to or being able to have made the corrective and progressive steps necessary without the contents of this blog and its writings.

  Sincere thanks to thegritz.wordpress for changing my life.

Reading my own writing

As I’ve said before my writing is simply a map of where I’m at perspectively and document to myself to revisit. Kind of like the door marks of childs height as he grows.

So as I re read some of the writings I’m really shocked at some of the verbiage and the harshness in some of the feeling conveyed. I really catch myself saying wow as read. I admire the honesty and love the perspective, because it is consistent, raw, authentic and original. All of my writing truly is a gritty perspective. There is so much abrasiveness in my early writing. I didn’t notice such a tone. But it is blantant and abrupt. I almost want to apologize for how unapologetic some of the entries seem to protrude.

Especially in my grandpopz funeral. Im shocked to read how hard I went with no malice intent and such a nonchalant and balanced tone. I’m a cold brotherat default.  It’s really crazy how true everything I wrote was but I don’t think I would write anything so heavy if I re wrote it now. I guess it is growth or maybe just different styles at different times. But there is definitely a lighter tone between gritz 2013 than gritz 2011. Especially more expressioniate without explicits. I guess I just didn’t give a fuck. lol.

  Read the rest of this entry

Ordinal thoughts

Just another agenda list.

First-  I wanna write about My friends losing their family. It breaks my fuckin heart to see how tragic it is to see the fashion in which they’re losing their family in. It sooo sad. I feel bad to even think about the Joy I have when I see how much pain they are going thru. Because On the flip…

Second- …I am so joyous to myself of the faith I’ve learn to exercise and the dividends of it. I would like to sit down  and write a new message of God that I would like to deliver as a guest speaker.

Third – I got a new job at UPS part time. And I soooo fuckin excited about it.

Fourth – My lil mix cd is sooo fuckin dope. lol. everybody that hear it Love so Im tryna make em buy it and Im so fuckin proud of myself

https://thegritz.wordpress.com/2012/11/13/deejay-gritz-presents-soul-smoove-vol-1-on-sale-today/

Im just Being Mark

I find a way to push away from people with apprehensions of me. because Im all of that shit they apprehensive of.       I dont wanna hurt anybody I just wanna be Mark. love me or leave me…for real. _greyBoyShit

Mark Anthony Howard

I try to be considerate to people and adjust my depths accordingly,  but Shit sad cause I drown alot of mfkz in my shallow ends.

Im highly aware of how uncomfortable I make some people in there uncertainty of me. Im just not the type to disclose everything to everybody. So this is my confession. Im uncomfortable around alot of people. I cant stand when people stand to close to me at the grocery store. I truly need three feet. So when people get too close to me I get uncomfortable and do something or say something to back them off or away. It is deliberate and intentionally but its just genuine. Sometimes I feel like I lose alot of potentially great friendships but most times I feel I filter alot of potentially bitter friendships. I find that the people I scare away are mainly scared people anyway. I dont need that. I don’t need anybody’s apprehensions around me. I’m just being Mark.

Nothing can stop Mark from being Mark. I dont care if it Kills me. This is who I am this is who I have to be. Ive really lacked the opportunities to be anything else,  Truthfully I wouldnt even want to be any other way. The shit is current event to actually feel a superior partiality to being who the fuck I am. Being me has always been my vice now I feel like the shit is my endowment, The reward for enduring through me all those years is being Me this year. Im like a fuckin Rock in relation to my fortitude. I wont budge off shit. I dont give a fuck what nobody say in oppose of what the fuck Mark wants. “If you aint for me… Ignore me” is my favorite quote of myself. I rather be left alone to figure how to compensate my faults than be accompanied by somebody else mouth rambling about irrelevant shit.

Ive seen Nosey people tune in to something they wanna hear so hard. In my mind im the exact contrast; I tune the fuck out on shit I dont wanna hearso hard. This funny nigga that come in the shop got this crazy exWife I told the nigga I couldnt even fuck with her, this the advice he gave me… “when in doubt … Tune it out” haha, funny as fuck huh. Real Shit tho. I truly have trained my ears to only her shit that is applicable productive and relevant to myself and my perspective. If I cant learn nothing from it I dont ever want to hear that shit.

This is my same approach to people I feel. If I cant learn from you I cant, I wont, and I dont, want to fuck with you. I dont wanna waste my time and I dont wanna waste your time. I swear to god I only have productive relationships. And its absolutely because I have such a disdain for trivial shit. If you not about nothing and Im fuckin with you then Im not about nothing so we not about nothing! I just can even be that type of person I dont have the energy to play like that, Im 28, not 8. So all that to say The fastest way to shake somebody that dont fit with you is to keep showing em the part that dont fit. say or do some shit they dont like and people that aint supposed to be there get the fuck gone.  just kinda of a lil filtering process for me. I love to hard and unconditonal not to have that reciprocated in my relationships. I like to be an advocate of everyones true Self so in all my friendships I need/demand the allowance to be all of me. if You uncomfortable with some of me then get the fuck away from all of me or give me my space when Im being that some. I promise to god its nothing personally malice towards you…. Im just Being Mark

i aint shit

I Aint shit. and I mean it. I say it alot, because I see it. I disappoint myself sometimes with how disappointing I am. I really dont have any realistic grasp on what is acceptable. I cant fuckin figure out what the fuck compliance is. I really feel like I was dealt a fucked up hand to start, then at my play I fuck it up completely. I pride myself on be a strength through adversity but I truly realize that Im my only fuckin adversity. The only thing I struggle with is Mark. Read the rest of this entry

the Applicationz of English

My lil english class is cool. My teacher said he read my lil blog I thought that was real cool. He’s a good professor as well. Ive been actually learning alot in this particular class. The class is based on the elements of an argument. I find that the lessons are very practical and completely applicable to my own personal growth. 

In the chapters we’ve gone through as a class we broken down arguments into rationales from perspectives of emotion, passion, and reason.  It sounds way abstract on the surface but at its depth, Ive learned how to increase the effectiveness in my speech, my writing, and  most of all MY THOUGHTS ! In the last 2 months I feel like my thoughts have grown stronger in their structure and deeper in their reasoning.  As application to my daily; I’ve learn the importance, and have become highly conscience, to keeping a consistent OVERALL thought. I even stick to developing as a partial,  smaller thoughts, only if they are consistent in their support of my OVERALL thought. That shit is a  highly relative principle in an argumentative writing — and I’ve learned that this English semester.

Read the rest of this entry

some More of “MYSelf”

i should be writing alot more and covering a lot more topics, but the objective of this blog is solely to express MYSELF as I feel and when I feel. I am very interested in learning to convey myself positively, but my aspiration to express the complete ME supersedes all. I love to strive towards my goals and accomplish things, but I truly underestimate how much I dont Give a Fuck. At times I am truly “rude-awoken” by my disdain  for anything outside of myself. Im truly built different in my polarities.  I am highly motivated as a person with endless talent and potential, But at times I don’t even care to do good or anything that good consist of. I just wanna be me. Read the rest of this entry

do You know What today Iz…

its our anniversary!

Me and my girlfriend been together for 9 years today. Just wanted to tell her thanks and acknowledge her. We been thru alot. weve had a lot of differnet titles for each other thru 9 years but she always been “mine.” still my closest friend and all. my boo been alot of fun. my deepest appreciation for people comes in respect to there perspective And Ive truly learned so much about life, love, people, women, and myself from this relationship. I used to tell cynthia the deepest feeling I ever had was her. and it still is– in addition to my son. Ive always had family issues growing up. but Our family is the exact contrast were all in love with each other and take turns being considerate.   I love who we are , and I love what weve been, Its dope to reach such a milestone of consistantcy. And I feel like thats what cindy has been for me. through all my ups and downs ins and outs Cindy been my only constant and I appreciate that. I wouldnt trade my boo for nothing. I love u momma. Gritty

 

 

Journal Entryz #02

Im just up Erykah Badu – Window seat on repeat all day. This is truly how I feel.

push play then read my shit as the song play.

I fucked up the otherday. and I mean truly fucked up. I felt it coming too. I was trying to ignore it because I dont know how to address it without sounding crazy ass fuck. so instead Ill just go ahead and act crazy. smh. I feel so fuckin selfish for jeopardizing the comfort of my girl and my baby. I feel like a liability to them as much as I am I asset. Im trying so hard to straighten myself completely out before my son can recognize or have to deal with any reprecussion from the obvious faults I have. Im reading, talking, and consulting of self helps in order to in keep a positive state of mind towards progress. but Im fighting so much anxiety inside myself. I just wanna fuck shit literally and figuretively. Im a very strong personality and I feel I repress alot of it in order to “Maintain”. I cant kill the wildboy in me. Its always there. and then the more i try to ignore it the more I hate myself and criticize myself for the “maintaining”im doing. I cant get it right. I keep fuckin up. and I hate it. I felt like my bike was an excellent outlet for me momentary. but “Wild” is not a contained such. Wild is OUTSIDE and BEYOND boundarie. so the I cant believe How far I took it with the bike the other day. but on the other hand I can. It wasnt outside of me. It was truly what I’ve been repressing inside of me. and I fucked up and jeopardized all the shit I been “maintaining” for the last year. My bike is gone. My freedom is jeopardize me and my girl spot is jeopardized, my son’s comfort and consistancy is jeopardized because of my inconsistancy. I fuckin hate it.
I feel I lacked discipline of a structured home. and I raised myself with only failures as lessons of discipline. so I truly dont understand how far “Out-of-bounds” I am until Ive crashed or fell on my ass. Hard head make a soft ass I guess… Im fuckin a Helmet head. I honestly dont fear any reprecussion or consequence so that is not a deference for me. The only thing that is keeping my contained inside of myself is my son. Im trying so hard to be here and keep a consitancy for my son. but its soooo unnatural for me. I truly cant sit still sometimes. If u dont know me by know. This is what I live and Die by. I do what I want when I want and How I wanna do it. The shit makes me and the shit breaks me. and it really broke my ass this week. Im broken. Im broken. I dont know if I can fix myself to many more times.

I drive hard and I crash hard. I just grew up used to crashing. smh. Im just now figuring out thats how I used to gauge myself is how fast or hard I can crash and still pick myself. well I think im crossing the lined and I dont need to prove that shit to myself anymore I would like to excercise my strength in prevention.

Under GOD this be my last Crash as a WILDBOY. mistakes are given but WIld ass breakouts gotta stop.

“Baby-On-Board” as I said I dont really even give of fuck of any reprecussion for myself. which is alot of fault for my shorts. but Im starting to get better of recognizing the reprecussions of my selfishness and wild recklessness and carelessness for my family. and that shit I truly do care about. And Im so sorry for what Ive done Past present to jeopardize there comfort and well being. My loose reverence for things may be my own but its consequence is truly not and take hard ass fall to make me reconsider my arrogance, but all I been thinking about yesterday and today is the reevaluation of myself.
and I dont have any choose but to pick up the pieces and keep growing and learning myself. I Love the person I am but Im a fuckin mess. and I aint evne dont even like to clean up smh. but I believe its absolutely necessary and I pray to my God YahWah aloud and beg his favor and support because Im truly too much a mess to clean without a devine organization.
So this sunday Ima take my ass to a Study and take my family on a lil train ride and think about a organization plan for my “Wild-Boy Rehabilitation” effort. So can I get a “window seat”

calmasa negro!

i talk alot of selfishness but I pray to God I dont ever again jeopardize the provisions that he has made for me and my family with my wild inclinations and Selfish instances. Amen #growUp#wildBoy

Journal entry 01

I haven’t been writing as much as I’d like so my topics been adding up on my Topics to come. My Great Grandmother “littleGramps” . Dumb ass kids. Tyrant Business service. my cousin Shelly. My New BarbersShop. and a New Category “Self Helpz” .

just a journal entry. #0

just talking aloud a little. I feel really mixed up as default. for me to know and discern is for me to do well. for me to be unsure and uncertain is more natural for me. Im just always trying to figure things out. Some times i spend so much time figuring that Im uncomfortable feeling that ive figured it.

I hate when I lose myself in all of my strategizing and feel like I havent actualized anything.  I would really like to see, for myself, starting immediately, the fruitions of my thoughts and elaborate strategy.

Ive really been flustered in actualizing my Business plans for Tyrant Business Management and promotional marketing services. Ive been trying to actualize a team, service listings, and actual business contracts.  I believe this company could truly be the representation of business and person that I am capable of but I feel weighted by alot of my disfunctions and  social disorders. Alot of my ambition and progress is neutralized by these reoccurring traits I have.

I just truly feel like for every “1” GOOD I may have..  i may have 1.3 BAD. I hate to focus on it too much but Im made up of bad math.

So all i can do is pray and keep tryna progress and strategically grow my good past its neutralizations