my GrandPopz Funeral

I woke up this morning early heavy to thoughts… Today Is my GrandPopz funeral. I keep trying to figure out how I feel but I dont Feel anything! My only saddness is being totally un-saddend by his death.

I really dont understand why we never had the relationship that I always extend towards him for.  I’d digg in myself to initiate a opportunity for our relationship to budd and he would shut my shit down everytime.  I didnt, I dont, and I will never understand why, or what kind of reasoning that kinda shit derived from.

So as I search for feelings I find bare and stranded ones. I feel that he was extremely neglegant of his responsiblity to my growth as a man.  I dont feel like he tried to pass me anything useful for my life. He just “was”. The only thing that I can try to take from his Life is the not to die in his fashion. People are paying their respects but I dont even understand which part it is that is relative to me. Im trying Hard not to be disrespectful though. I dont feel that that is how I want to approach this. But at my sincerity I dont have any respect for the way he lived his life.

I believe people at their best are examples to their perspective to be passed on. I believe all of my grandfather died and shall be layed to rest today and none of his perspectives or principles shall live through me or passed on because he had NONE.

My perspective is a selfish one, but my grandfather did nothing for the growth of it. He did nothing for the Growth of me. He did nothing for the Growth of my family. He did nothing for the growth of himself. and I just cant respect it…. without dis-respecting it.

I guess I’ve developed an ability to learn from bad examples and I believe my GrandPopz to be another one… for shall I not cease without a passing on my perpspectives and principles toward the better contribution of those of my likeness —The Gritz

post script. whos perspective is more valid than the recorder!! As I write my history I say only of my GrandFather Ernest Howard Sr. that He lived and he died before me and I feel sorrow that He never knew the person  I was nor the Man I am.